“Because you’re Mona.” PLL Rankings!

Why can’t I insert emojis in WordPress?!  If I could, I would be inserting all of the shocked face emojis here.  True, I listed her as someone I thought I might die last week, but still, I kind of can’t believe it actually happened!  What a crazy, action packed, finale that was, huh guys?  Let’s get right into it — our last Power Rankings of the summer!

(1) Mona

HUGE FREAKING SPOILER ALERT – I am so, so, SO sad that Mona is dead.  To use the ABC Family hastag, #RIPMona.  You may be wondering, “Hey, Christine, she died, so why the heck are you making her top of the list?”  Um, because she rocked, that’s why!  Mona did a series of amazing things this week, chief among which was finally teaming up with her fellow genius, Spencer Hastings, the way she always wanted.  One of my favorite parts of the episode was when Spencer said, “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth gets a chance to put its pants on.”  In response to Hanna’s, “Did Ali say that?” Mona and Spencer simultaneously say, “No, Churchill did” and then look at one another like, “Whoa, I’m not used to these other dopes understanding my references.”  They later team up to break into Radley, a place they both spent time as patients, in order to steal Bethany Young’s files to find a connection between Bethany and Ali.  Mona and Spencer using their powers for good (or just to take down Alison) is what I’ve always wanted.  It was all I hoped it would be and more.  Even to the last, Mona is still kicking ass.  For her last act, she discovers a connection between Bethany and Ali, thereby proving Alison is A (or so Mona thinks).  (Why she calls Aria to share that information and not, say, anyone else, is a bit confusing, but whatever.)  Bottom line: Mona was a misunderstood (fine, emotionally troubled) genius who only ever wanted to fit in and be part of a group and tonight, she got that (and she got to use her genius powers at the same time).  It was a fitting end for one of PLL‘s best characters.  Farewell, Mona.  You will be missed.

(2) Emily

Well you guys, I think this settles it — in the biggest upset since the Miracle on Ice, somehow Emily Fields won the season.  I’m as shocked as you, believe me.  But major kudos to Emily for finally getting on board with reality and growing a spine (and continuing to look amazing in the process).  I loved Emily’s borderline insanity about Christmas.  (“Read her boobs.  The girls loves Christmas.” –Hanna Marin.)  She names all of her decorations (Snowy, Wiggy, and Piggy?), she has a lifesize nativity scene, which is, admittedly, a little creepy (“Where’s Jesus?), and she even says to Hanna, “If you can’t find Christmas in your heart, Hanna, you’re not going to find it under a tree.”  This scene provided a moment of levity in an otherwise super heavy episode.  The best thing about Emily now, though, is her willingness to stand up to Alison.  I would never have believed Emily capable of something like asking Ali to her face whether or not she’s A.  (I’m choosing to ignore the fact that what precipitated this confrontation was Emily stupidly leaving her phone on the table so that Alison could read her texts.)  I’m so proud of how far she’s come.  Oh and plus ten for getting back together with Paige.  I’m into it.

(3) Paige

Speaking of Paige, great job by her this week.  First, she tells Em that she’s sick of talking and just up and kisses her in the hallway at school.  You go, Paige.  Then she doesn’t even get pissed when she sees Ali exiting Emily’s house (after Em clearly lied to her about being sick).  Instead, Paige follows Alison (and the creepy twins, Cindy and Mindy) to an abandoned farm where a dozen cars are parked and Ali is, to use Paige’s words, “building an army.”  In other words, Paige was decisive, useful, and she didn’t get mad for a dumb reason.  All of which gets you high atop the Christine Power Rankings.  Well done, Paige.

(4) Alison

Ok, so the show wants us to think too badly that Ali is A and that she killed Mona, right?  There must be something else to this.  (And the something else must be that Alison has a twin.  It just has to be.)  Regardless, this sociopath somehow gamed a polygraph test, convinced the police that Spencer was responsible for Bethany Young’s death, and she got herself cleared as a suspect in the process.  In other words, she’s insane, but she’s good.  

(5) Caleb

Well, here’s an improvement: no talk of Ravenswood this week!  Beyond that, Caleb is useful in that he gets to use his weird hacker skills to find out that the police are targeting Spencer and to, essentially, control the Radley security system so Mona and Spence can roam the halls at will.  Though I maintain my dislike of Caleb, points for being helpful.

(6) Aria

Samesies — I may not like her, but she was relatively useful this week.  Specifically, Aria distracts a nurse at Radley while doing her art volunteering so Mona and Spencer can steal the nurse’s keys.  She is also pretty decent in her scene with Holbrook, explaining that she’s volunteering and, after his questioning get a bit aggressive, asking whether she should call her parents.  I think this is the first time one of the teenagers in this town has realized that, hey, the cops really can’t just question me whenever they feel like it without a parent or lawyer present.  Shocking that it’s Aria who realizes this, but points nonetheless.  Aria also gets a great line in the beginning of the episode too.  The Liars ask Mona to help them with Alison and Mona asks, “Why do you think I can help you?”  As the other girls look sort of constipated, Aria says, “Because you’re Mona.”  Indeed, Aria, indeed.  (She also appears to be wearing a vinyl skirt in this scene, but we’ll try not to focus on that.)  And guess what?  I”m not going to complain about the completely nonsense Ezria scene we were forced to sit through tonight.  Why?  Because of a dear, dear Friend of Christine, Bridget.  Bridget got married this past weekend (and it was amazing).  She loves PLL, is an avid reader of the blog, and is an Ezria supporter.  So for you, Bridge, I shall not hate on Aria and Ezra this week.  (Bridget also got me a gift for doing a reading in her wedding — namely, a framed picture that says “What Would Spencer Hastings Do?  This is the greatest gift ever.  Cheers, Bridge!)

(7) Ezra

See above re: not being critical this week.  And apparently, if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all.  Moving on.

(8) Hanna 

This week we learn that Hanna Marin has Buffy Summers syndrome — she appears throughout the series to be, for all intents and purposes, not particularly book smart, and yet, during her senior year, we find out that she inexplicably nailed the SATs!  (Or SCTs as Hanna called them.)  I sort of hate this concept, since it just serves to undermine everything we’ve known about the character in the past.  Like, remember when Hanna was obsessed with solving mysteries via James Patterson crime novels?  Really, that girl did amazingly on the SATs?  Feels doubtful.  In other news, Hanna is probably in a bad way now since she was actually Mona’s friend and, you know, #RIPMona.  Sad day.

(9) Mona’s Mom

First of all, who knew she existed?  And she bakes chocolate chip cookies, how nice!  Here’s a question though: why did Mona’s mom go see the principal and then lie to Mona about it?  True, it could have been for some innocuous reason.  After all, Hanna just told Mona’s Mom that she thought Mona was afraid of Alison.  And immediately after Mrs. Vanderwaal leaves the office, the principal calls Alison down.  But still … that was a little weird, right?  Either way, sad for Mrs. V in her first (and probably last) PLL appearance.  I’m guessing we won’t see her again.

(10) Lucas

Welp, you have no friends left now, huh?  And whoever killed Mona is going to eventually realize that Lucas was her #1 minion and be after him as well.  I might go back to wherever not-Rosewood place you were creepily lurking before, buddy.

(11) Spencer

As discussed above, seeing Spencer and Mona using their genius together was a real treat for me.  Spence also looked really great this week.  (That opening blue shirt/long necklace/black skirt combo was on point.)  That weird foreplay/roleplay scene with Spence and #OfficerToby was … interesting (especially for ABC Family) … but the pocket watch she gave him was really adorable.  (Inscribed message: “You’re my once upon a time. –S”  Say it with me now: AWWWW.)  Nevertheless, Spencer ends this episode in the slammer accused of murdering Bethany Young.  Of course, she has Melissa’s confession on tape, which directly proves that she didn’t do it.  Plus, Spencer’s mom is super-lawyer, Fake Mariska Hargitay, who has already gotten Ashley M (and certainly countless others) out of jail in the past.  So she’s probably going to be just fine in the end.  But still.  Not a great season-ending situation for our favorite heroine.

(12) Toby

But yeah, not great for #OfficerToby either, huh?  He misses his graduation from the police academy, ends up in a full length leg cast, and his girlfriend has been arrested and charged with murder.  Such a series of bummers.  And because Toby is less cool than Spencer, he gets ranked lower than she does.  Sorry, Officer, that’s just the way it goes.

Not Ranked: The world’s creepiest twins, Cindy and Mindy (did Mona call them the Toodles?  You guys are in high school, how about you start dressing differently?); Aria’s family (Aunt Sara is apparently going to check under Ezra’s hood, which, ew, Uncle Danny will challenge him to arm wrestle, which Uncle Danny will certainly win, and Granny doesn’t does pluck her chin hairs, but “toots” a lot … ew); Detective Tanner (dude, everyone is going behind your back while you are inexplicably gone!).

Speaking of Detective Tanner, let’s talk about this for a minute.  Why is Holbrook back all of a sudden?  And why is he doing a bunch of stuff without waiting for Tanner (even though at least one person suggests that he should wait for her)?  Seems suspicious, right?  Could he be working with Alison?  (Yes.  Everyone could be working with Alison.)  Another thing — let’s talk about the qualities of the group that Mona assigns them.  She says that the Liars are the perfect group for a sociopath to manipulate because they all present a different challenge.  Spencer = smart, Emily = loyal, Hanna = admiring, Aria = compassionate.  Spencer and Emily, I get.  Hanna is admiring because … she ultimately bit off Ali’s style after she was gone?  I guess that makes sense?  But Aria is compassionate?  Um … that feels like more of a stretch.  (Again, I’ll refrain from ranting here out of deference to the newlywed, FoC, Bridget.)  But still, this is an interesting concept and something I hadn’t thought about before.  Mona essentially suggests that Ali collected this specific group together because they were so different and their differences (specifically, learning how to manipulate them) were what made the interesting.  I don’t know much about how sociopaths work, but this seems plausible to me.  

Anyway, guys, what a wild ride this season has been.  Unlike last season, when we were teased with a death that was clearly a fake out, this time, Marlene finally did it and killed off someone that we actually like.  It’s been a fun few months, and I can’t wait until we’re back at it.  (With a Christmas episode nonetheless!  Emily must be so pumped.)  For now, I’ll just say #RIPMona.  You were one of the greats and you will be missed.

See you next time.

Xoxo,

Christine

“Act Normal, Bitches.” –A: PLL Rankings!

Friends, I must once again apologize for failing to recap last week’s PLL.  Stupid real life — it’s just not appropriate that it gets in the way of power ranking the Liars.  But I did watch and I did rank the characters anyway and we were once again looking at a Spencer/Emily tie atop the leader board.  Did they keep it up this week?  Let’s find out!

(1) Emily

This girl is on FIIIIREEEEE.  Emily, after being a fool about Alison for so long, has finally made a full break with that crazy nutjob.  And thank goodness.  First, Emily insinuates that it was actually Alison, not A, who made the TVs in the shop window show incriminating photos of Alison visiting Hanna in the hospital after Camp Mona and wrote the messages, “We’re All In This Together” and “Act Normal, Bitches.”  One reason this makes sense — Ali has probably seen High School Musical, so she would make the “We’re All In This Together” reference.  (Or, possibly, A is a wildcat.  You never know.)  Emily then decides to go to Ezra for help finding out information on Cyrus, Ali’s “kidnapper.”  Look, we all know that I would never advocate seeking help from the creepiest man in Rosewood, but he actually comes through, so good call, Em.  True, it seems like Paige might have moved on, which is a bummer for Emily, but what I really care about is that she isn’t pining over Alison like an idiot any longer.  She even accidentally calls Alison A!  I am totally on board with this Emily (especially when paired with Spencer), so here’s hoping she can keep this going next season.

(2) Mike Montgomery

Still dating Mona, still not stealing things/throwing laptops at his mother, still looking pretty dapper, especially in his 40s inspired suit.  Do you, Mike Montgomery.

(3) Ezra

It pains me to put him up this high, it really does.  But he provides the girls with the evidence proving that Alison was in cahoots with her kidnapper, so I have to give him props.  And hey, someone’s going to die next week, so it could be him, right?  (No, it really couldn’t.  The teens wouldn’t stand for this.  Sigh.)

(4) Paige

In her first scene with Emily, Paige looks fantastic.  Good hair, good outfit, good “playing it cool” vibes.  In her next scene, she is literally dressed exactly like Sandy in the last scene of Grease.  When she told Emily she was going somewhere, I just assumed it was to the community theater to sing “You’re The One That I Want.”  Turns out, Paige had a date with some girl at the same ’40s, black and white dress up movie that the Montgomery family attended.  I’m mildly pro-Emily and Paige, but good for Paige for not just waiting around for Emily to wake up and smell the hottie (Buffy reference!).

(5) Byron

Again, I find this ranking personally offensive.  But, to his credit, Byron is SUPER sassy with that mega-bully Detective Tanner.  And though his mere presence offends me, he didn’t actually do anything radically terrible, so I’ll give him a pass for now.  Plus, he got his fedora re-blocked, whatever that means, so that’s pretty exciting for him.

(6) Aria

I don’t know what’s happening with the rankings this week, because it’s not possible that Aria is above Spencer, right?  And yet, here she is.  I’m tempted to downgrade her on the basis of her outfits alone.  Let’s even bypass the peach pants + leopard print jacket and skip right to the biggest doozy: a crop top with fringe sleeves featuring, you guessed it, a jungle cat on the front, paired with a black skirt with lightning bolts all over it and, to top it all off, a denim jacket with a leopard print patch on the back.  It’s like she raided the closets of both Claudia Kishi and Stacey McGill.  Woof.  Beyond that, Aria doesn’t really do anything bad this episode.  She has a heart-to-heart with Mona in the bathroom of the ’40s movie and, though I think Mona is 100% playing her, Aria is very nice.  Anyway, because she doesn’t make any major mistakes, aside from her fashion, and because nothing horrendous happens to her, Aria gets a decent ranking this week.  She shouldn’t get used to it.

(7) Spencer

This ranking is based mostly on the fact that her sister killed Bethany Young by burying her alive because she thought Bethany was Alison and that Spencer had killed her.  Well, then.  That’s kind of a bummer for everyone’s favorite Liar.  Aside from that, she does get in some cute time with Toby, she wears two very cute dresses (loved the red one with the white sleeves and the striped one, which felt like a classic Spencer Hastings outfit), she realizes that Bethany Young must have been purposefully dressed in a duplicate set of Alison’s clothes because “it’s not like Alison was walking around naked” (a very astute observation, I might add), and Troian Bellisario looks really amazing with unshed tears in her eyes, a look she had going on for a lot of this episode.  Go Spencer.

(8) Toby

Officer Toby or Cadet Toby?  Either or, he kind of bungles that bromance intervention with Caleb, huh?  I don’t really blame him, though.  That conversation was boring and stupid and Caleb was being a dummy.  What’s a carpenter/police officer to do?

(9) Tanner

Ya know, I’m really starting to get annoyed at this woman.  Finally someone calls her on her continued harassment of the girls!  (I know, I, too, was shocked that it was the winner of the Jimmy Cooper Award for Absentee Father of the Year, Byron Montgomery.)  Tanner corners Emily, Aria, and Hanna (conveniently without the smart one, Spencer), buys them coffee (that seems unethical), and then apropos of nothing asks them who they think killed Bethany Young and insinuates that the police think it was them since Bethany’s body was found near where the girls were having a sleepover.  And then she shows up at the Montgomery household, presumably pretty late it night since it’s after they got out of the movie event, and tells Byron, yup we’re interested in Aria, and, oh, one of the girls is going to talk to me tomorrow and I won’t tell you who it is.  I mean, this woman is outrageous!  

(10) Hanna

Poor Hanna spends the episode trapped in a plot line that absolutely no one cares about: what happened to Caleb in Ravenswood.  Yawn, I’m about to fall asleep just thinking about it.  I just went through my notes again, and I actually have nothing to say about Hanna at all.  That’s just sad.  Moving on.

(11) Mona

Though I’m almost positive that Mona was messing with Aria in the bathroom (that “Do you think Mike really likes me?” thing was so fake innocent, it was ridiculous), the fact is, she still had to rush out of a movie theater because freaking Aria Montgomery made her cry.  For someone who used to be/is A, that’s lame, dude.

(12) Melissa

Welp, she’s a murderer.  And she’s gone back to England.  Or is she in Pittsburgh?  Did I see that on the FedEx or did I just make that up?  Either way, I don’t think she’s in good shape vis-a-vis law enforcement, because I’m pretty sure we have an extradition treaty with England and if she’s in Pittsburgh, home girl didn’t even get out of the state.  I’m not sure what Spencer/the girls are going to do with this tape, but I wouldn’t be shocked if they turn it over to the police or, more likely, A easily steals it from them when they’re sure they’ve hidden it in a safe place.  Buckle up, Melissa.

(13) Caleb

Caleb Rivers, the ultimate Ravenswood hispter (read: horrible person): “You were a tourist, man.  I lived there.”  I have nothing further.

Not Ranked: Sydney (a liar, but a damn good swimmer); Ella Montgomery (apparently in Scranton and stuck there, which sounds crappy); Ouija the movie (insert side eye emoji here at this product placement, ABC Family); this week’s music (shout out to my home girl, Betty Who for featuring in this week’s episode!) everything to do with Ravenswood (please, PLEASE tell me that we never have to hear about Ravenswood or Miranda or fireflies or Mrs. Grunwald ever again).

I can’t believe that next week is the #FAtalFinale!  Who do you guys think is going to die?  For me, the leading candidates are as follows:

  • Melissa: it seems right, doesn’t it?  Now we know her secret, we know she did what she did to save Spencer, and we know that, in all likelihood, this information is going to get out.  If Melissa dies now, even though we know she’s a killer, oddly, she’ll be somewhat redeemed.  On the other hand, whoever actually hit Bethany Young with the shovel will want Melissa alive and for this information to come out, right?  Hm.
  • Alison: as I said a few weeks ago, mightn’t this be overkill?  I mean, we already thought she was dead for years and now that she’s back, we’re going to kill her again?  That being said, basically everybody in Rosewood wants this girl dead right now.
  • Mona: I love Mona, but as she said this week, she’s pretty much lost control of her “army” and she seems to be on her own, at least somewhat.  I would never underestimate her, because I think she’s a badass, but Alison is after her and we know that psycho will stop at nothing.

What about you, readers?  Thoughts on who is going to join Bethany Young in the great blue yonder?  Can’t wait to find out!  See you next week!

Xo,

Christine.

P.S. I can’t write a post today without including this: OMG HOW AMAZING IS THE NEW TAYLOR SWIFT SONG?!  We’ll discuss soon.

 

 

“Oh, it’s about to get messier.” PLL Rankings!

Last night, I got home at 9:30 pm and I had a choice.  I could watch the USA’s opening game of the Under-20 Women’s World Cup and go to bed at a reasonable hour, or I could watch PLL and then the game and go to bed super late.  I chose the former, so I got up early this morning to watch PLL before work.  As a result, my recap might have to be on the shorter side so I can make it to work in time.  But let’s do this!

(1) Spencer (TIE)

(1) Emily (TIE)

OMG, I think I have a new favorite Liars duo!  Spencer and Emily are KILLING IT right now.  Spencer gets off the mark early with a series of good lines in Hanna’s bedroom.  For example, she posits that Noel’s excuse for breaking into the Marin household would have been, “Sorry Mrs. Marin, I just needed to borrow a butcher knife.”  When Ali says she’s a “little loud,” Spencer responds with, “You’re a little crazy.”  DUH.  Later, when Hanna complains that even the doorknob smells like Alison, Spencer pauses and responds, “Why were you smelling the doorknob?”  Spencer’s other good moments include her quasi-intervention with Caleb, which seems to finally knock him out of his dirty, drunken stupor (at least, to the extent that he can be knocked out of it), her identification of the #TwoJennas aka Stalker Sydney and Jenna, and her badass confrontation with Noel Kahn at the lake house.  Spencer cuts Noel with a fire poker and eventually convinces him to leave, while still hanging on to his “insurance” aka pictures of Ali from when she was “kidnapped” and a recording of her saying things like “I can’t keep doing this” and “It’s too dangerous.”

Emily, meanwhile, has another ridiculously strong episode.  First, she overhears Noel Kahn sitting in his car listening to the recording of Alison (why he was sitting there in the open listening to this with the windows down is unclear).  In a fairly genius move, she looks up Noel’s locker combination, steals his keys, and jacks the recording/pictures right out of his glove compartment.  Probably my favorite Emily moment was her amazing dressing down of Stalker Syd, who clearly got friendly with Emily at Jenna’s behest.  When Syd says, “This is so messed up,” Emily launches into her greatest ever monologue, beginning with, “Oh it’s about to get messier.”  Then she says something Paige-esque about how she will be the coach on the swim team just so she can watch Syd under water in the moment when she’s not sure she can breathe.  Emily ends her tirade with, “I want you to know what it feels like to be sucker punched” before getting in her car and driving off.  DAMN, GIRL!

Em and Spence also have one great scene together, when they confront the #TwoJennas at the doctor’s office.  True, Spencer is wearing old lady sunglasses in this scene, but together, they rip into Stalker Syd and Jenna.  And it’s amazing.  I’m loving this newly smart Emily paired with the always smart Spencer.  Who knew this was possible?  Keep it coming, PLL!

(2) Ashley M.

Continuing to exhibit some of the only parenting happening in Rosewood, Ashley M. calls Hanna out for her flask, calling it dangerous and disturbing and explaining that Hanna can’t afford not to be in control now, not when Ali’s “kidnapper” is still on the loose.  She’s also super nice to Alison throughout, which obviously Ali doesn’t deserve, but Ashley M. is the nicest person in Rosewood and she clearly believes Ali’s story after the break-in last week.  There is one scene where Ashley M. is wearing a red coat … but whatever, that doesn’t mean anything.  Moving on.

(3) Jenna

I would say that Jenna wins her showdown with Ali, explaining that she didn’t turn Shana against Alison, Ali did that herself, and she holds her own in the Stalker Syd/Emily/Spencer scene as well.  I’m still not sure what Jenna’s up to, but she’s still biding her time and making everyone feel creeped out in the meantime.  It’s working.

(4) Detective Tanner

I still think this woman is being overly aggressive in her questioning of teenage girls (she’s also pretty unethical – I mean, has she told any of them that they have the right to have a lawyer present?), but she’s clearly on to something.  And if one of those things that she’s onto is Ezra Fitz, serial creeper (yes, Aria, he is a serial creep), all the better.

(5) Hanna

Welcome back, Han.  She kicks off the episode in her usual, semi-drunken state, which isn’t great, and she spends almost the entire episode wearing a leather jacket that inexplicably says “Rosewood” on the back, which isn’t great either, but by the end, I think our normal Hanna is on our way back to us.  She tosses the booze down the drain and makes up with Aria, thereby stitching our main group of Liars (minus Alison) back together.  To be clear, I don’t think Hanna should give up drinking forever, because she’s a hilarious drunk, but she should probably stop drinking during the day and everyday and stuff like that.  And, hey, if she wants to join in on the Spencer/Emily awesomeness, by all means, go for it!

(6) Caleb

Ugh.  Fine, I guess the Spencer intervention works.  (Also, now we know that he’s staying at Toby’s stepmom’s cabin?  Did we know that before?  And isn’t Toby’s stepmom Jenna’s mom?  Shouldn’t we be creeping around the place looking for evidence or something?)  Caleb seems to clean up his act somewhat (he even tells Spence he’s going to shower, which, thank GOD), he gets Hanna to tell him what happened with Zack, and then he punches Zack in the face.  All positive developments, I suppose.

(7) Aria

When being questioned by Detective Tanner about her “intimate relationship” with Mr. Fitz and whether Mr. Fitz could have had “intimate relationships” with other students, Aria says, “He didn’t serial date students.  He wasn’t some creep that prowled the school hallways hitting on girls.”  OH, BUT WASN’T HE THOUGH?  I should also note that Aria was wearing a semi-animal print jacket with a striped skirt during this scene.  On the plus side, she texts Ezra telling him not to hurry back to Rosewood, advice with which I wholeheartedly concur, and she tells her Mom the truth about Zack/makes up with Hanna.  Plus two, Aria.  (Aria also said something about Zack being a “big jerk internationally” to Hanna.  Is that like how Sonja Morgan said that everybody in the city AND INTERNATIONALLY knows Harry Dubin?  #RHONY reference!)

(8) Noel Kahn

Honestly, Noel’s eyeball peaking out from underneath the sheet in Spencer’s lake house was one of the creepiest things I’ve seen on this epically creepy show.  How did he know she was going there??  Anyway, Noel Kahn comes away from this encounter without his “insurance” photos/recording (which was very Felicity-esque, “Dear Sally,” was it not?), mostly because he’s not as badass as Spencer.  But Noel is smart enough to realize that he better have some dirt on Alison because in all likelihood, she’s going to throw him under the bus at some point.  He says that he got the photos/recording from Shana, who gave them to Jenna, which he then stole from her bedroom right before the house blew up.  So possibly Ali’s trying to blow him up?  I don’t know, it’s all very convoluted.

(9) Alison

Let’s talk about the bright pink blazer for a second.  Honey, it’s not the ’80s.  You never even lived in the ’80s.  Lose it.  Immediately.  In Ali’s most important twist, the end of the episode shows her “kidnapper” in custody and basically parroting the lines of her completely bogus story.  I think I speak for all of us when I say, “WTF???”  Who is this guy?  Did Ali put him up to this?  (Probably.)  But she looked so freaked out?  What is happening??

(10) Stalker Sydney

Look, I get that she became friends with Jenna and helped her at the visually impaired home and heard about Alison and all of that.  But, um, why is Stalker Sydney dressed EXACTLY the same as Jenna?  Like, same red pants, same black shirt, same denim jacket, same sunglasses, same hair.  Why?  What the hell is that about?  Also, Paige and Emily might drown her now (Paige has a history, after all), so that’s not super great for her either.

(11) Ella

I guess it sucks for Ella that her engagement is ruined when she finds out confirms that her fiancé is a creep (though, if you knew about this already, Ella, why did you bring him around your teenage daughter and her friends who are always unsupervised?), but the worst thing that happened to her?  Easy.  She said this to Aria and apparently meant it: “When it comes to fashion, you are my guru.”  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL okay, I think we have another blind person in Rosewood!

(12) Zack

Normally on this show, when a creepy adult male hits on teenage girls, but he has some excuse like, he didn’t know she was a teenager (yeah, ok) or he just couldn’t help it that he fell in love with her (still not acceptable!), the show just completely buys the excuse, gets on board with the creepy adult male, and expects us to do so as well.  So it’s a bit hypocritical that this time, even though A prompted Zack to hit on Hanna, the show completely writes off his excuse and paints him as a creep.  But whatever, baby steps, I’ll take it.  Buh bye, Zack.

Not Ranked: Byron Montgomery (finally decides to come back from his, apparently years-long, “conference” at Syracuse on the same day his ex-wife is having her engagement party?  Uh, okay.  Also says this ridiculous line to the aforementioned ex-wife: “You make this small world seem so much bigger.”  Ugh.); swim team coach (he took German?  At what high school do they offer German?); Mike Montgomery (isn’t it strange how he’s never shown up for his mom’s engagement festivities?  Whatever, smart move, Mike.); opthalmology nurse (I’m sorry A was so rude and creepy to you).

Only two episodes ’til the #FatAlFinale!  Oh no!  I heard that someone was going to die, but it actually can’t be one of the Liars, right?  Unless it’s Alison, but I feel like that would be overkill, literally, at this point.  So who could it be??  I’m nervous that it will be someone awesome, like Ashley M.  Don’t do that to me, Marlene, I couldn’t take it!

See you next week, Liars!

Xo,

Christine

Sad Girls: Jenny Lewis, Katie Crutchfield, and Me.

My first exposure to Jenny Lewis was not through music.  Instead, it was as Hannah Neffler, Shelley Long’s precocious daughter in the ’80s classic, Troop Beverly Hills.  She’s great in that movie, scolding her immature parents (sometimes whilst working on her balance beam routine), being a quiet leader of her Wilderness Girls troop (I mean, she is the one who had the idea to balance beam it across the stream on the log during the Wilderness Jamboree!), and dancing The Freddie (and The Frug!) at an old folks home with her mom.  I love Troop Beverly Hills, and I really liked Hannah Neffler, but I had no idea back when I first rented TBH from Blockbuster (dated reference!) how much that little redhead would end up meaning to me.

********************

I rediscovered Jenny years later, in high school, but then most fully whilst in college.  Specifically, through the wonderful 2004 Rilo Kiley album More Adventurous.  I should explain something — I tend to self-identify as a Sad Girl (hence the title of this piece).  If you knew me, or spent any time around me, that probably wouldn’t seem right.  I am generally pretty upbeat in person.  I have trouble being serious, I’m constantly cracking jokes, and I’m always trying to entertain people.  But you know, people aren’t always what they seem, right?  And though I am generally a fairly happy/fun person, I’m also pretty emotional beneath the surface.  (I feel like I can share this with you, blog readers, because we trust one another.  Right?)  I tend to hide my feelings with humor and self deprecation, but they’re there.  So, naturally, I’ve always liked music that allowed me to express those feelings.  If the lyrics allowed me to sing about feeling sad and complicated, all the better.

Obviously there are a ton of bands/artists that fit the bill.  I mean, in high school, everyone was super into Dashboard Confessional and real, authentic New Jersey style emo.  But Rilo Kiley felt different for me.  Why?  Well, I’m pretty sure it’s because a girl was singing.  A girl was expressing her pain and confusion and, well, sadness, and I got to sing along with her and it meant something more to me to hear that complicated stuff coming from a woman.

********************

I’ve always been particularly moved by the Rilo Kiley song “More Adventurous” (the title track of the aforementioned More Adventurous record).  I think the most conventionally popular favorite Rilo Kiley song amongst other Sad Girls I know is “A Better Son/Daughter” from 2002’s The Execution Of All Things.  That one is one of my favorites too and it’s an incredible one for a singalong (as evidenced by my experience seeing Jenny sing it live at Governor’s Ball in June of this year, which was unreal).  But “More Adventurous” really hits home for me.  Why?  Well, to me, it’s a song about someone who has trouble with love — whether it’s because of heartbreak or because she’s juts not good at it or whatever — but someone who keeps trying.  She knows she has shortcomings, she knows she’s going to fail, but she keeps at it.  I really identify with that.  I’m someone whose not really very good at the love stuff, but I always was never really that good at trying to be better either.  “More Adventurous” makes me want to try.  It makes me want to be better.  (Relatedly, third on my list of “Tattoos I want” is the following lyrics from the song: “With every broken heart we should become more adventurous.”)

This is my favorite part of the song: “For me to be saved and you to be brave we don’t have to walk down that aisle.  ‘Cause if marriage ain’t enough, well at least we’ll be loved.”  I think that line is beautiful and sad and hopeful and tragic and, as a very smart person once said to me, “That’s the mark of a pretty solid piece of writing.”  And I’m positive that it wouldn’t be so meaningful to me if it weren’t coming from the voice of a woman, especially a woman with as evocative a voice as Jenny Lewis.

********************

I know a lot of men who really like Jenny and Rilo Kiley and that’s great.  They should after all; she’s amazing and the band was killer.  But women like Jenny in a different way, I think.  For Sad Girls of a certain age — say, maybe, 25-35 (I know, I know we’re not really girls anymore) — Jenny Lewis is legitimately as cool as it gets.  She is the definitive mark of coolness for me.  As I recently discussed with Friend of Christine, Regina, I feel like if my Mom said to me, “You think Jenny Lewis is so cool, but if she asked you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?” I’d probably be like, “Yeah, sure, why not.”  She looks rad, she acts cool, she has awesome friends, she writes the best songs, and, if you squint super, super hard, you’re like, “Well, hey, she kinda seems like me.”  In my experience, men don’t have this with Jenny Lewis because, for the most part, they can’t have it.  For Sad Girls, Jenny Lewis is a living, breathing, singing sign that it’s ok that we’re sad, it’s ok that things aren’t always easy for us and that we mess up, because, hey, look at that amazing girl up there rocking out.  She made it and so can we.

********************

Another great thing about Jenny is the people she’s inspired.  The other Sad Girls.  There’s plenty of female artists out there who are clearly influenced by Jenny in some way or another (see, e.g., Lana Del Rey, Haim, Lorde, etc.).  But I must admit, I have a favorite Jenny Disciple.  Her name is Katie Crutchfield and she makes records in a band called Waxahatchee.  Katie is a twin (her twin sister Allison is also in a rad band called Swearin’), she used to be in a band called P.S. Eliot with her twin (I also recommend this project), and she’s a varsity level Sad Girl.  Katie is also an unabashed Jenny/Rilo Kiley lover.  She even has a Rilo Kiley tattoo!

I remember the first time I heard the first Waxahatchee record, American Weekend.  It was December 2012 and I read something about it by the great (now former) Pitchfork writer, Lindsay Zoladz.  Lindsay wrote this in Slate: “I have been foisting this record on everybody this year; it broke my heart in about a thousand places the first time I heard it.”  That sealed the deal for me immediately on spinning American Weekend.  And I swear to God, Lindsay said it perfectly.  I have never read something that hit me more immediately and more personally in my life.  The record made me cry.  Repeatedly.

There’s a song called “Grass Stains” on American Weekend that, well, lyrically, I could have written.  I spent days talking about it to FoC Regina, who was then my roommate, until I finally made her sit down and listen to it.  As we listened to Katie sing those heartbreaking words in her plaintive, spare voice, Regina said something to the effect of, “Oh wow.  Yeah.  This is you.”  It’s rare when that happens, when a song fits your life so pitch perfectly, but for me, it always happens with a Sad Girl.

I would tell you what my favorite lyrics are in “Grass Stain,” but honestly, it’s all of them.  Every word in that song hits me like a punch to the gut.  But in a good way.

********************

I want to end this little riff by doing two things.  First, I want to exhort you, readers and Friends of Christine, to go buy Jenny Lewis’ excellent new record The Voyager (which came out on Tuesday and prompted the writing of this piece in the first place).  If you don’t have them, go buy her previous two solo records (Rabbit Fur Coat and Acid Tongue), her record with her boyfriend, Jonathan Rice (Jenny and Johnny’s I’m Having Fun Now), and all of Rilo Kiley’s recorded output.  You should also immediately purchase Waxahatchee’s American Weekend and Cerulean Salt.  These are all great records and they will make you feel, in the words of another Sad Girl, Taylor Swift (yes, she’s a sad girl, she’s just more undercover than some), happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way.

Second, I want to say, in the off chance that any of the rad women mentioned herein reads this piece, thanks very much for helping this Sad Girl get through lots of stuff.  Especially you, Jenny Lewis.  You’ve helped us all in ways you couldn’t even imagine.  You’ve improved the lives of millions of Sad Girls (and, I would imagine, Sad Boys) by just getting up there and singing about your feelings.  We love you, and you’ve made us all a little bit more adventurous.

Xoxo,

Christine

 

I don’t think Hanna’s grandfather, the inventor of the paper clip, would be too pleased to hear about this: PLL Rankings!

I have a series of very important questions about this week’s episode.  First: since when are the Liars in choir?  Second: isn’t “What Child Is This?” a Christmas song?  Third: is that appropriate to be singing in a public school?  (Spoiler alert: No, it’s definitely not.)  I know that PLL is probably laying the groundwork (WAY in advance) for the seasons to finally change in Rosewood and for it to be Christmas, but that whole opening scene was just sort of ridiculous and totally out of nowhere.  I mean really, who knew the Liars could sing (well, some of them anyway)?  Anyway, let’s see where they ranked this week!

(1) Emily

Again, I continue to be as shocked as you, readers.  How, why, when, and where did Emily get smart not dumb?  Her most impressive moment: smoothly lying to Stalker Sydney about how Hanna’s “Amish” when she drinks and tells crazy lies (about how her grandfather invented the paper clip, for example).  Later, after SS tells her that, nope, Hanna never said anything about New York, Emily immediately notices when Stalker Syd says something about the Liars being in NYC.  Last season, Emily wouldn’t have been able to lie so effectively and would never in a million years have noticed Stalker Syd’s slip.  I have no idea when Emily got the Spencer gene, but frankly, it’s good that she did (especially considering what’s going on with the second most useful Liar, Hanna, this season).

(2) Spencer

Thank goodness my girl is back to dressing normally this week.  Unfortunately, Spencer gets kicked in the face by a horse, which is a bummer, but because she insists on hanging around and investigating the stables visited by Bethany Young and Mrs. DiLaurentis, Spencer and Emily locate Melissa’s riding helmet.  Another strike against the always guilty-seeming Melissa Hastings.  (P.S. Do I totally get this horse/Bethanny/”Aunt Jessie”/Melissa plot line?  In a word, no.  Not at all.)  Spencer also gets a few good lines this week, namely telling Hanna that her locker smells like Oktoberfest, and in response to Aria’s question about how many stables there could be in the area, “Uh, Aria, it’s called horse country for a reason.”  A good crack about Aria being an idiot always earns points with me.  Finally, Spence decides to support Toby in his quest to being a police officer, which is both sweet and sensible (two words not always associated with any of our Liars).  Spencer, always glad to have you around.

(3) Toby

Major, major points for finally getting a haircut.  Points also for, instead of just complaining about A, taking a proactive step to do something about this madness by joining the police academy.  (But does this mean we have to stop calling Toby “The Carpenter”?)

(4) Ashley M.

Ashley Marin continues to be the gold standard of parenting in Rosewood (see: her incredibly kind offer to take Ali out to dinner and her complete lambasting of Detective Tanner for cross examining Alison about the intruder in the Marin home) … but there’s just one thing.  You know how I gave Pam Fields a ton of credit last week for seeing through Alison’s story?  I know Mrs. Fields had some inside information and all (namely, the fact that the police think there’s a ton of problems with the whole load of crap Ali told them) and I also know that Alison is a great liar and a complete psychopath … but Ashley M. just totally bought that bunch of hooey hook, line, and sinker.  I’m going to choose to believe that’s because Ashley is a great person who believes in the fundamental goodness of others and not because she’s kind of a dope.  Team Ashley Marin!

(5) Rhonda

True, she’s a diabetic who’s confined in Radley, but she also manages to manipulate Aria (not that that’s particularly hard) into getting her a root beer and Cheetos.  Props, Rhonda.

(6) Ali

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this girl is a complete sociopath.  The revelation that she actually convinced Noel Kahn to break into the Marin household to scare Ashley M. (aka someone who matters) into believing her story?  And that it 100% works?!  I mean, seriously, that is beyond.  And I would say that the Liars should just walk away and abandon her … but of course, they can’t at this point, can they?  I mean, Aria killed Shana and the police are snooping around that story like crazy, so they have to keep spinning Ali’s lies.  This b!tch is one skilled manipulator, you have to give her that.

(7) Stalker Sydney

She makes one error, as noted above, but aside from that, she mostly spends the episode trying to convince Emily to be the swim team’s assistant coach.  Why, you ask?  Um, because she’s a stalker?

(8) Aria

Aria’s biggest moment of the episode was her complete flip out on Hanna when Hanna tells her that Ella Montgomery’s teenage fiancé hit on her (about which, more shortly).  And yes, Aria is completely wrong and out of line with what she says to Hanna.  But I do kind of get why she did it?  She’s protecting her (admittedly selfish, horrible, and immature) mother, which is a motivation I can understand.  But what she says is wrong and mean and everything else she does in this episode sucks, so BOOOO ARIA.  (Though I have to give her credit for getting the information about Custard and the stables.  Fine, Aria, good job with that.)  I think my favorite Aria moment this week was when she literally turned around and ran away from her mother when Ezra called her (LOLOLOLOLOL TYPICAL).  Further note that during this scene, Aria was wearing a belted camouflage dress and a distressed denim jacket, because, naturally.  (My second favorite Aria moment was this text message she sent to Emily: “BIG RHONDA SPILLED BIG BEANS. CALL ME.”  Literally, she wrote that.  In all caps.  I can’t.)

(9) Hanna

It’s never a good sign when you’re dressed exactly like Courtney Love, Hanna.  Maybe stop taking swigs of whisky with your stupid, loser boyfriend in his car and at his place (which, where the hell is that, exactly, and how is he affording it?), and maybe show up to school sometimes and don’t fall asleep in cars and get crispy treats stuck in your hair.  It 100% sucks that Hanna gets hit on by Ella’s disgusting fiancé and the stuff Aria says to her is downright cruel, but I can’t totally blame any of the Liars for being skeptical of Hanna’s story at this point.  I mean, you sort of damage your credibility when you’re wasted all the time and you spill major secrets to a stranger/A (not to mention the whole Courtney Love wardrobe thing, which clearly doesn’t help).  The good news?  At least Hanna’s still funny when she’s drunk (see, e.g., the fact that she can’t pronounce quincinera/the fact that she was talking about quincineras at all).

(10) Ella

It’s tough to say someone is a worse parent than the Hastings criminals/train wrecks, but I’m sorry, Ella Montgomery is the worst (perhaps topped only by her ex-husband).  I hate to say I called that her twelve year old fiancé was a creep, BUT I TOTALLY CALLED IT.  Let’s just put it out there, people: LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER.  Where do you think Aria got her interest in creepy men who are only interested in underage girls after all?  Aside from that, how about Ella’s petulant little fit about how Aria bailed on their bridesmaid shopping or whatever the hell?  I mean, seriously, are you 15, you little brat?  I hate this woman.  Go away and never come back, I beg of you.

(11) Caleb

Hanna called Caleb at high school lunch time, so clearly at a well past reasonable hour, and this eff-ing loser was woken up by the phone, mumbled “Hey baby” in what he presumably thought was his sexiest voice (but which was, in reality, the most disgusting, unattractive voice that actually physically evoked for me the smell of stale beer breath) and offered to put on some clothes and come meet Hanna to eat.  This, coupled with his disgusting place (again, I say, where the hell is this and how is he affording it?), his ever present booze, gross facial hair, and general horribleness makes me like Caleb even less than I like Ella Montgomery.  Which, given the rant above, is saying something.

(12) Zack, Ella Montgomery’s sexually predatory, 12 year old, fiancé

BREAKING: After over five seasons of holding the belt of Rosewood’s #1 predator, Ezra Fitz finally relinquished the title today to new arrival, Zack, the creepiest coffee shop owner in America.  Ezra’s only serious challenger prior to Zack, Byron Montgomery, has been abandoning his children “in Syracuse” for too long to qualify as a Rosewood resident any longer.  Congratulations, Zack, you’ve managed to usurp a real champion, which of course means that you yourself are a most epic wannabe sexual predator.  You did it!

Not Ranked: Detective Tanner (points for being smart and poking holes in Ali’s alibi, but minus points for being a jerk to her after Ashley Marin called 911 … that’s just unprofessional and unnecessary, girl); Declan the horse stable guy (sorry you ever had to deal with people like Mrs. DiLaurentis and/or Melissa Hastings); Custard the horse (honestly, Custard probably had an even worse life than China, Caitlin Cooper’s hairless pony, because he/she had to deal with crazy Mrs. D); Mike Montgomery (smartly hiding upstairs rather than making stupid paper flowers for his stupid mother’s engagement party to her disgusting fiancé).

Sidenote: if you’re reading this and you agree that Zack is disgusting, but you also are an Ezria shipper, I ask you to please explain how that position is in any way coherent?  I mean, really, what’s the difference between the two?  And don’t tell me that Ezra didn’t know that Ali was a teenager because (1) BULLSH!T and (2) he absolutely, without a doubt, 100% knew and acknowledged that Aria was a teenager, a minor, and his STUDENT FOR GOD’S SAKE, when he slept with her.  Zack, creep though he is, didn’t actually do anything other than disgustingly hit on Hanna.  So who is the worse offender?  You tell me.  (Really, though, you don’t need to tell me, because obviously it is Ezra.)

Sidenote 2: maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but I’d like to believe that the entire horse related subplot was a nod to Hanna’s stepsister Kate aka Horse Bitch (thanks, PLL Annotations!).  Come back, Horse Bitch, we miss you!

Fellow watchers, once again, I walk away from this episode of Pretty Little Liars with even more questions.  Specifically, my questions from last week about Noel Kahn remain.  That is, if he’s working with Alison, but also maybe Mona, then are Alison and Mona working together?  Against the Liars?  IS THAT WHERE THIS IS GOING???  Because I’m starting to get VERY NERVOUS for our four (or in my case, two) favorite gals.

Well, whatever happens, see you next week, Liars!

Xo,

Christine

“This is about lies.” PLL Rankings!

I mean, I guess it’s ok to miss writing a PLL column if I was on vacation, right?  I did totally watch the episode while I was away (I even purchased it on iTunes!), but I just didn’t have time to write.  For the record, weird as this sounds, Emily would have won my rankings last week.  I know, I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.  Ranking Emily #1?  What?  Well, let’s keep it weird and get on to this week!

(1) Mrs. Fields

OMG she’s finally back from where she’s been the entire season, namely, “the other room!”  Mrs. Fields expositorily mentions that she was in Texas with Mr. Fields, which, ok, when did he go back there, but now she’s back or something.  Whatever.  The point is, she encourages Emily to invite the girls over, ostensibly so Alison can have the opportunity to chat with an actual adult (points for throwing shade at other adults in Rosewood, in this case, Mr. DiLaurentis!).  But really, Mrs. Fields is just evaluating and judging Ali over dinner.  She later tells Emily that she realized that Em had a crush on Ali before, so she wanted to see them together.  Mrs. Fields also says that she still talks to people on the police force (because of that time she worked there for no apparent reason) and lets Emily know that Ali’s story about the kidnapping has “got some problems.”  She ends by telling Emily that though she saved Alison once, she does not have to keep saving her.  Sound and true advice that, shockingly, Emily appears to be taking.  All in all, it’s a strong return (from the other room) for Pam Fields.

(2) Emily

Keeping it in the Fields family, here is Emily again with another shockingly high ranking.  How does she keep doing this??  In her first strong move, Emily confronts Mona about the dead rat in Paige’s locker.  Mona suggests that the use of a rat suggests that a boy pulled the prank.  Emily goes, “A boy like Noel Kahn?” and then looks at Mona’s notebook, which says “NOEL KAHN” is huge and conspicuous letters.  Major points to Emily for even recognizing that because, honestly, she’s usually not that smart.  Later, when Hanna asks what’s up with Emily and Ali, Emily calls Alison “needy.”  Can you believe it???  Emily said something negative about Alison!  Praise the lord!  Finally, Emily leaves a message for Paige asking how she is, apologizing if the rat incident is because Paige told Em about Mona, and almost accidentally dropping the L bomb. I mean, I love this Emily!  She’s not dumb, she makes decent decisions, she always looks great … I hope she sticks around.

(3) Mona

Mona couldn’t win this episode because she was wearing a look pulled straight from Aria Montgomery’s closet: A leopard print sweater with what appeared to be a neon and black color blocked collared shirt underneath, all secured with a bright pink belt and paired with a bright blue skirt.  I mean, what?  But she still ranks third because of this line, in response to Emily’s suggestion that she put the rat in Paige’s locker: “You can call me a lot of names, but don’t call me an amateur.  A dead rat, really?  Give my love to Alison.”  ZING.

(4) Stalker Sydney

Observation: doesn’t this actress sound EXACTLY like Anne Hathaway?  Like, if you closed your eyes and just listened, wouldn’t you be like, “Anne, is that you?”  Anyway, Stalker Syd is really a very good minion/mole for Mona.  First, she totally overhears Em and Alison’s conversation about the A attack.  She’s also the one who tells Emily about the Paige rat thing.  But in her greatest move, she finds drunk Hanna at The Brew and basically gets her to spill the beans about EVERYTHING, but, most importantly, New York.  I mean, yeah, maybe it wasn’t all that hard to get a drunk girl to babble, but still, I think Mona will be pleased with Stalker Syd.

(5) Spencer

“This is not about love.  If this were about love then there wouldn’t be bodies buried in backyards up and down the street.  This is about lies.  And whispered conversations that stop when somebody walks into a room.  It’s about Alison.  What really happened to her.  And what happened to that poor girl who ended up in the ground.”  MIC DROP.  (Bonus points for (a) being snarky to Ezra [though minus points for being too nice]; (b) setting up a camera to film her backyard [finally!]; and (c) getting Melissa to basically admit that either she and/or Mr. Hastings did something super shady “for love.”)

(6) Aria

A pretty good episode for Aria, all things told.  This is probably because she finally does something useful and related to the plot, instead of worrying about Ezra all day.  (Though trust me, she finds plenty of excuses to bring him up to Spencer anyway.)  Ultimately, Aria, through her volunteer work at Radley, finds Rhonda, who was Bethany Young’s roommate.  She finds out that Bethany gave her sketchbook to Rhonda and, after she almost gets smushed under Rhonda’s bed, Aria steals the sketchbook.  This allows Spencer and Aria to find a series of increasingly creepy drawings, including one of a woman jumping from Radley (which Spencer guesses might be Toby’s mom) and a few of Mrs. DiLaurentis (one with devil horns and one that says “liar” all over it).  Eventually, they assume that Bethany left Radley looking for Mrs. D, but instead, got whacked with a shovel.  All useful information, which Aria was the catalyst for revealing.  Kudos, Aria.  For once, you weren’t useless.  (It can’t last.)

(7) Eddie Lamb

What are you up to, E. Lamb?  To be honest, I’m confused here.  Spencer said he left the drawing, right?  So why does he seem so creepy?  How come he recognizes Aria?  He worked with Ezra or something?  Why did he call Ezra to meet and not show up?  I just … I’m lost here.  Hence E. Lamb’s entirely middle of the pack ranking.

(8) Alison

Girl, if Emily, your number one fan, says you’re being needy, you’ve got some major issues.  In this episode, aside from being needy, Ali has a showdown with Caleb, which I would say she won (except for the fact that Hanna is clearly siding with Caleb, not Ali) and she spins more of her ridiculous and insane lies to Mrs. Fields (who 100% did not buy them, as Hanna correctly notes).  Oh and also, she gets caught on video skulking around the Hastings’ backyard in a winter cap.  So that’s something.

(9) Ezra

This week, America’s neediest statutory rapist gets rid of all of his spy equipment (boxes and boxes of it) with help from Spencer (since poor Ezra can’t carry anything, UGH), whines about Aria doing something without him, and complains about his poor, mean, divorced family and his poor writing career and how nothing ended up the way he wanted it to and UGH SHUT UP ALREADY YOU WHINER.  Rosewood PD, get off your lazy, incompetent asses and arrest this predator!  Please!

(10) Melissa

For some reason, Melissa is (a) really trying to convince Fake Mariska to go back to Peter Hastings, which is ridiculous, and (b) really trying to convince Spencer that she has a major secret about something shady that she did “for love.”  I mean, she so obviously suggests to Spencer that she wants to tell her something, but then she doesn’t do it for whatever reason.  Because I think Melissa is the queen of shady pants, I don’t buy it and neither does Spencer (since, ya know, she borrows a camera for the express purpose of spying on her sister).  Oh and plus, Melissa nonchalantly conceals and throws out a dead rat in a rat trap.  Something all normal, functional women feel comfortable doing.  Psycho.

(11) Caleb

Hey Caleb?  Since your time in Ravenswood really changed you and you learned things about your family and “the world” and all that BS maybe you should just GTFO and go back there?  Take your six packs of beer and your eyeliner and your Jess Mariano, “School is for losers, it doesn’t teach you about real life” attitude and seriously, GET OUT.  I wish he and Alison would have a showdown and that they both lose.  Ugh.

(12) Hanna

Girl, you done messed up big time.  Your first mistake?  The ’90s goth era dark lipstick.  Not feeling it.  Hanna, of course, gets at least one funny line (namely, in response to Emily’s question about when Ashley M. started drinking beer, “She washes her hair with it”) and drunk Hanna was amusing at Emily’s house, but she stupidly tells Stalker Sydney wayyy too much information, most importantly about Shana and Jenna and New York, and then she stupidly decides that she needs to get back together with Caleb.  To cap it all off, A calls out Hanna’s big mouth in a text to the girls, who are now, rightfully, super pissed.  Look, I think Hanna is right not to trust Ali or want to be around her.  But I think Spencer basically feels the same way and isn’t acting like an ass.  (Yes, I know, Spencer had a drug problem last season, but Spencer’s substance abuse issue helped her realize what Ezra was up to.  In other words, Spencer’s time as an addict helped the girls solve a mystery, while Hanna’s trip down alcohol lane is only helping A.  Yet another reason why, despite Hanna’s greatness, Spencer trumps all.)  Hanna needs to get her sh!t together and fast because next week looks like it’s going to be bonkers (and it looks like Aria yells at Hanna about being the problem, which, if Aria thinks you’re the problem, that’s just bad).

Not Ranked: The art teacher at Radley (she seemed a bit stern and unfeeling, don’t you think?); Donna, the art student at Radley (oh Donna, your art wasn’t a mistake, no need to rip it up); Rhonda (she is going to be MAD if and when she realizes that Aria, that “thief,” stole the sketchbook); Mr. Fields (alone in Texas with heart problems?); Mr. DiLaurentis (presumably dead with the amount that he apparently care about his just-returned-from-years-being-“kidnapped” daughter?); Noel Kahn (Mona borrowed his notes … but does he even go to Rosewood anymore?  I’m lost.); Ella Montgomery and her twelve year old boyfriend Zack (enjoy your engagement party, you teenage losers.  Also, your return address is in Pennsylvania, really?  I thought you were in Switzerland?  How come I haven’t seen you in months?  LIARS.).

Ok, but really though, I have a question about Noel Kahn.  It seemed like he was helping Alison and Cece, right?  I mean, he got them the passports, he helped them get into/out of town, etc.  But is he also helping Mona?  I mean, he was dating her right?  What if this is just a long con for Ali?  What if she’s in cahoots with Mona and Melissa (hence her sneaking around in the Hastings’ backyard)?  But to what end?  Why are they all after the Liars??  WHAT IS GOING ON ON THIS SHOW????

If you have answers to any of the above questions, please, feel free to chime in.  Either way, we’ll see ya next week with more questions!

Xoxo,

Christine

Christine’s Songs of the Summer: July 20 Edition

Before I get into my Song of the Summer check in, I again want to apologize for failing to write a PLL recap this week.  I know, I know, I’m the worst.  But I have an excuse!  I was on vacation this week (I’m currently on a plane back to New York, heyyyy blogging from up in the air!) and I had to watch PLL on my laptop, making it sort of impossible to take notes for my recap at the same time.  I’ll be back next week though!

Anyway, I figured, since we’re halfway through July and all, time for a midsummer check in!  I think I have a new personal leader in the clubhouse, which we’ll get to in a moment, but let’s go back to the ones from my May column (which you can see here).

“Problem” – Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea

Yup, this one is still good.  I listened to the Kiss FM countdown this morning in the car to the airport and, according to Ryan Seacrest, it overtook “Fancy” for number 1 on the charts.  So that’s awesome.  But I’m not sure this is the Song of the Summer.  For one, it may have come out too early.  Also, Ariana has another song currently burning up the airwaves (about which more in a moment), which may overtake “Problem.”  Still, though, this song is a jam and it’s still very popular.  If nothing else, it should be in the top three.  Cheers, Ariana!

“Fancy” – Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX

Welp, I think the reign of “Fancy” might actually be over now.  As many of us suspected earlier in the summer, this one peaked way too early.  “Fancy” is still a good song, but I’m not so enamored of it anymore.  Plus, there’s been some Iggy backlash.  I’m thinking mostly of the Nicki Minaj shade she received at the BET Awards.  (Basically, it seems like Nicki obliquely called Iggy out on not writing her own raps.  Later, Nicki claimed she wasn’t shading Iggy, but I don’t think anyone really believes her.  And yeah, maybe Nicki shouldn’t have shaded her [to quote Girls in Hoodies, "don't beef down"], but she wasn’t wrong.)  Also, Vulture wrote a really good piece on how we deserve a better Song of the Summer than “Fancy” (check it out here), and though “Fancy” is decent, I think they’re right.  Sorry, Iggy, this one is out for me.

“Do It Again” – Robyn & Royksopp

I know, I know, it was a pipe dream for me to include this one in the first place.  Apparently it’s on the dance club songs Billboard chart, but I don’t think it’s anywhere near the mainstream.  Which is such a bummer because this is a great song and Robyn deserves to be the biggest deal in the universe.  Alas, at least with this song, that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

“Jealous (I Ain’t With It)” – Chromeo

Again, this song is apparently on the dance club songs chart, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem to have made a big impact in the mainstream.  That being said, I did hear it on the radio last weekend when I was down at the Jersey shore, so that’s something!  This song is a perfect freaking summer song, and I don’t understand why it’s not a bigger deal.  Does it need to be on a TV show or in a movie or something?  A commercial perhaps?  America, let’s work together to make “Jealous (I Ain’t With It)” an actually viable Song of the Summer contender!  We can still make this happen!

Those are the songs I listed back on May 29th.  Of that group, I think “Problem” probably has the best shot to be Song of the Summer.  Maybe residual “Fancy” from the early part of the summer, but I’m still leaning “Problem.”  There’s one obvious new addition, namely current #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart, “Rude” by Magic.  This song is aggressively, intensely terrible.  It’s legitimately the worst.  It cannot be the Song of the Summer.  I won’t accept it.  So there’s one other alternative I’d like to put forward as a Song of the Summer candidate:

“Break Free” – Ariana Grande ft. Zedd

Yes, I know this song is only #19 on the Hot 100 Chart.  But come on, it is AMAZING.  I like it even more than I like “Problem” to be honest.  Yeah, it’s very different because it’s basically an EDM song, but I would put it immediately in the pantheon of great breakup songs.  Obviously it’s no “Since U Been Gone” or “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” but the chorus has some truly excellent girl power breakup lyrics.  See, e.g., “This is the part when I say I don’t want ya, I’m stronger than I’ve been before.  This is the part when I break free ’cause I can’t resist it no more.”  I mean, ladies, don’t you want to be on the dance floor with all your girls screaming those lyrics?  (This leads me to a sidebar: I have this great idea for a casual, ladies-only dance club.  It’s basically a sleepover for girls where you can wear whatever you want, you can dance free from incursions by creepy dudes, and you just have a great time with your best girlfriends.  I mean, this is genius, right?  More on this idea to come.)  I think we need to pump “Break Free” way up the charts, America.  I mean, even freaking Pitchfork likes it!  This is a summer dance party jam and a song that we can all get behind.  Let’s do this!

Once again, I shall not acknowledge those other terrible songs that are inexplicably popular on the radio like “Wiggle” (seriously WTF is with this song???) and that craptastic Calvin Harris song.  Let’s make at least one of these Ariana Grande songs the Song of the Summer, everyone.  These jams are the Songs of Summer that we need, nay, that we deserve.

(But hey, Rihanna, if you’ve got something up your sleeve, feel free to drop it anytime now!)

‘Til next time!

Xoxo,

Christine

Hanna Still Doesn’t Have Time For A Hobby (Unless Drinking Counts): PLL Rankings!

Apology/Disclaimer: As I wrote on my OITNB post, I’m so very sorry for missing two episodes of PLL blogging!  Truly, watching the show wasn’t the same.  But I’m back now!  And just in time!

Ok, so can you guys believe that we’ve watched 100 episodes of that insanity?  I mean seriously, has there ever been a show that has more just straight up crazy crap has happened over the course of 100 episodes?  No, right?  For a recap of all the insane moments, definitely check out this phenomenally hilarious New York Magazine piece by Jessica Goldstein.  It has 100 crazy things that have happened and it’s awesome and, yet, as FoC, Katie, pointed out, it somehow fails to include the creepy little boy who lived in the creepy doll shop!  I mean if that didn’t make the list, what does that say about this program???  (Spoiler alert: That it is completely bonkers.  That’s what it says.)  So let’s get right into it!

(1) Mona

Here are my notes from the Mona vs. Alison showdown when I thought that Alison clearly had the better of Mona: “Mona knows they were all in NY and can prove it.  Mona wants Ali to leave town and doesn’t believe that Ali has changed.  Ali calls Mona on the A stuff she did to the girls and you can see Mona starting to crack.  Ali calls Mona’s bluff on proving that they were in New York.  Mona: “No one wants you here.”  Ali: “You’re wrong Mona.  Just like before.  Everyone wants to be my friend.  And that’s what you’re afraid of. … I made you Loser Mona once and you know I can do it again.”  And then, SLAP FEST!  Ali draws blood!  ALI >>>> Mona. WOW!”  LOL, whoops, I was wrong!  Mona wins again!  She somehow managed to tape all of Ali’s speech, edit out the part where Mona slapped Alison first, and just show the part where Ali slapped her (which, conveniently, Ali lied to the girls about).  All of this causes everyone who previously hated Ali to be even more solidified about their feelings and gets the Liars super pissed.  Mona is amazing.  I have no idea what she’s up to at this point or what her end game is, but she’s a genius.  Go Mona Go.

(2) Ashley M.

Girl, you are the nicest.  First she offers to help Spencer and Mrs. Hastings with their “plumbing problem” and then she’s totally sweet about Hanna’s drunkenness.  Particularly when compared to these other parental louts, Ashley M. is just the greatest.

(3) Emily

I was impressed with Emily (mostly) this episode.  Ok, yeah, she hooks up with Ali again, which is almost definitely a poor idea.  But she has a few really good moments.  She makes an Adele Dazeem reference!  Her hair looks amazing in the scene in the swim team locker room!  She’s finally nice to poor Paige!  She tells Ali that, no, actually, she can’t hang out with her because she’s hanging out with Paige!  She doesn’t just randomly forgive Alison for being a crazy liar just because Ali tries to kiss her!  These are all steps in the right direction, Emily!  (Unfortunately, she ends the episode holding hands with Ali, which probably means that Emily’s about to backslide again, but for now, I’ll give it to her.)

(4) Lucas

Lucas is not only back, he (a) has weird facial hair, (b) has cool parties with his house where he makes boozy punch; (c) allegedly has a girlfriend (though he very shadily evades the question of where she is…) that he’s “doing it” with, according to Hanna; (d) is totally friends with Hanna again, even though they left things on super shady terms a few seasons ago; and (e) seems to be one of the leaders of Mona’s “Loser Army,” as Ali called it.  An improvement, I’d say!

(5) Sydney

Ok, Emily-stalking new girl, what, exactly, are you up to?  We see her with Jenna (she puts sunglasses on and, BAM, she they suddenly look exactly alike, which was weird) going to meet up with Mona and basically revealing information about the girls and their feelings vis-a-vis Alison.  Is she just a mole?  Where did she come from?  What does she want?  It’s officially time to start keeping on eye on this one.

(6) Toby

Well, unfortunately, Toby still has that hair.  Which is a huge bummer.  On the plus side, he’s still dating Spencer and he totally has game when it comes to her (obviously quoting Fitzgerald is a major turn-on for Ms. Hastings).  His episode is pretty uneventful until, ya know, his family’s house basically blows up at the end and he goes running into it.  I’m guessing it’s all good though and besides, it’s not like he lives there anymore anyway.  I guess Toby earns this ranking solely by virtue of dating and being very sweet to my girl Spencer.  Biased, but these are my rankings, so whatev.

(7) Spencer

Negative column: her overalls in that first scene.  The fact that her parents are getting divorced, essentially because her mom thinks that her dad/sister murdered Jessica DiLaurentis and, therefore, Spencer and Fake Mariska Hastings have to escape the Hastings household while Peter Hastings is at work.  Plus column: still the smartest Liar by a wide margin (as she tells Toby in he fist scene, she doesn’t really believe Alison has changed because the girls still have no idea what she was up to the entire time she was “dead,” which, why is no one making a bigger deal out of this???).  Her very patriotic blue stars sweater/red scarf combo (USA! USA! USA!).  She has a cute scene with Hanna bonding over separated parents (love when my two favorite Liars have a scene together).  Her really excellent trench coat.  The adorable scene with Toby in the truck.  Also, related to the first point in the plus column, Spencer immediately picks up on the fact that the news refers to Alison’s “alleged” kidnapping.  Uh oh, Ali.

(8) Paige

On the one hand, Paige stood up for herself to Alison, which was really great.  I, too, think that Alison is a terrible person and I was happy she was gone.  On the other hand, we know she’s still into Emily and Emily is clearly still into Alison.  Poor Paige.

(9) Travis

Travis is so nice, but this is just not going to end well for him.  He’s also the type of guy who sends his girlfriend texts that say “Hurry up. I miss u already.” when she goes inside to get coffees and is gone for, like, 5 minutes.  Oy vey, Travis.

(10) Fake Mariska Hargitay Mrs. Hastings

Proud of her for finally leaving her nutbag husband and, by extension, her psychopath older daughter, but, um, I think it took her too long to get there?  Fake Mariska also implies that she and Mr. Hastings had some sort of deal not to involve Spencer and Melissa in … something … so clearly she was involved in Peter’s shady dealings.  And she also seemed sort of hysterical this week.  She pulled Spencer out of school so they could maniacally pack, she cries a bunch, and she doesn’t seem like she really has a plan, which is unlike her.  For once, I felt bad for Fake Mariska.

(11) Aria

I have to say, I had Aria up pretty darn high at first.  She did a bunch of really good things.  For example, she tells Spencer that she can tell Toby what happened with Shana.  When Spence glances at Ali to see what she thinks, Aria says that it’s Spencer’s decision, not Alison’s.  That was very impressive.  She also rightfully chews out Hanna and Emily when they essentially suggest that she should just get over the fact that she killed Shana.  And yeah, it was really weird that Aria just creeped into Jenna’s house and then backed out rather than admit she was there, but it was very nice of her to invite Jenna in for tea and to talk about Shana.  (Even if it was probably pretty dumb, which it was.)  But, ya know, then Ezria happened again, and Aria just loses all the points for me.  I hate these two and I hate being subjected to it.  UGH.

(12) Ezra

See above, except he gets no positive points and gets one billion negatives for his dopey scar and his stupid apartment and his dumb face.  So there.

(13) Jenna

So is she really upset that Shana died, or nah?  Because she really did seem upset during both of her scenes with Aria.  But then during her scene with Mona and Sydney she seemed totally chill?  But by the end, ya know, her house blew up, so probably not her best episode.  Either way, I’m glad she’s back.

(14) Hanna

Hanna was absolutely HILARIOUS during her drunk scenes, but it’s clear that she’s spiraling.  I mean, why is she randomly drinking beer in a park with Caleb?  But she had some great lines though, didn’t she?  She yells about Lucas “doing it” with his “girlfriend” (I’ll believe she exists when I see her), she shoves a bunch of random food in her mouth, and when Travis finds her, she says, “Let me rub that bald head of yours.”  Hilarious.  Unfortunate that Hanna’s going to a dark place, but it’s still funny right now.

(15) Caleb

He, like Lucas, is also sporting weird facial hair.  Questions for Caleb: why did it seem like he was having trouble forming words in the coffee shop?  Why did he flip out on “Biff” for talking in the coffee shop?  Why was he creepily drinking beer in a deserted park?  Where has he been?  Where is he living now?  Is it the vents of the school again?  Can he please go back to Ravenswood and GTFO of Rosewood?

(16) Alison

Oh guuuurl, you’re in trouble.  The “allegedly” comment by the police in the press conference indicates that cracks are forming in her kidnapping story, Mona clearly gets the better of her as described above, and the Liars are very wary of her still.  Plus, she’s still totally lying about things.  The person she was talking to in the car in the beginning of the episode for example?  100% not her dad’s “flunky.”  And what was with that weird look she exchanged with Caleb?  I don’t trust her, but the walls are closing in again.  Also, she wears an absolutely ATROCIOUS outfit on her first day of school.  A weirdly busy dress thingy accompanied by a deep blue sweater with weird faux pearl things on the buttons and sleeves?  For once, she looked like someone who had actually be on the lam for a few years and maybe hadn’t been keeping up with the latest trends.

Not Ranked: Bethany Young (RIP 17 year old patient at Radley who was in Ali’s grave); Cindy and Mindy (Ali called them “gaytrons?”  That’s just ridiculous.); Rosewood police captain (why did he have such a strong New York accent?); Bridget Wu (this girl might be drunk and running her mouth, but everything she told Paige was correct); Lucas’ “girlfriend” (cue skeptical face); Mrs. Fields (she’s “in the den” while Ali’s in the house.  Yeah, ok, but how come we haven’t seen her in years?).

In all seriousness, yeah, this show is crazy and it doesn’t always make sense, but man, do I love it.  It’s so interesting and it’s funny and it’s scary and creepy and it’s got great female characters (see: the truly great Ms. Spencer Hastings and the truly hilarious Hanna Marin).  It’s been a blast and I can’t wait for 100 more episodes of insanity.

‘Til next time, Liars!

Xo,

Christine

The Definitive (according to me) OITNB Character Rankings!

PLL Disclaimer: I know, I am two episodes behind on PLL rankings!  Unacceptable!  Honestly, I’m so sorry, but with real life work going crazy and the World Cup (I love ya, USMNT), I just haven’t had time.  I haven’t even watched this week’s episode yet!  But don’t you worry — I’ll be back making fun of Aria and singing the praises of Spencer Hastings ASAP, I promises!

************************

If you’re anything like me, you spent at least 13 hours of the beautiful weekend of June 6-8 (at least, it was beautiful on the East Coast of the USA) sitting inside binge-watching season 2 of Orange is the New Black on Netflix.  Yes, I’m a TV addict, but come on — it was impossible to stop!  I loved season 1 of OITNB, but season 2 was, like, significantly better somehow.  I’m not sure why or what really changed (other than my interest in Piper about which more later), but I just know that I loved season 2 and I can’t wait to watch it all over again.

So, naturally, I decided to rank all of the characters!  Of course, when I say “all” of the character, I don’t really mean that.  This is a huge show, so of course, I’ve forgotten a few people.  Also, some people simply weren’t on the show long enough to get ranked (see: Piper’s roommates from Chicago).  Note that these are my own personal rankings — this is the order in which I like these characters after spending a significant amount of time with them.

Final point: SPOILER ALERT!!!  This post will contain season 2 Orange is the New Black spoilers.  You have been warned.

Now, on with it!  In reverse order:

43. Larry

UGHHHHHH.  Does anyone not feel this way about him?  I don’t think so.  In fact, the AV Club’s reviews even have a section titled “Ugh, Larry.”  Every time Larry is on the screen it’s a horrible snoozefest.  He’s a drip, he’s a bore, and, for all Piper has screwed him over (which, admittedly, she has), he is also a terrible, selfish character.  Starting with the ridiculously tone deaf and out of touch faux-This American Life Story, moving on to his attempts to get Piper to once again elevate his journalistic ambitions this season, and culminating with the absolutely ridiculous and insane Larry/Polly plot line from this season.  I was fine with this because I hate Larry, but that was the most messed up thing in the universe.  I know Piper cheated on Larry, but his first act is to not only hook up with but get serious with her best freaking friend?!  That is too messed up for words.  I hate Larry.  He’s boring and the worst.  Moving on.

42. Fig

Speaking of the worst.  I’m not sure what was her worst act this season — the bathrooms, the Louboutin comment, the blatant criminal fraud — but I’m glad she’s gone.  (For now, presumably, anyway.)

41. Healy

You know how I said I hated Larry and Fig?  I HATE Healy.  He is a disgusting, misogynist, homophobic pig.  I know he’s also a sad pathetic old man, and maybe we’re supposed to feel bad for him, but I can’t.  He did a few good things this season, namely saving Suzanne from max by faking a work order and providing hilarity to my life in his interactions with Pennsatucky, but he remains a gross person.

40. Vee

Team Poussey!  Team Rosa!  The way Vee went out was the most satisfying end to a season to television that I’ve seen in a long time.  As Rosa said, this lady was RUDE.  (Not to mention a crazy, manipulative psychopath.)  She did a multitude of horrible things all season, but her flashback with her pseudo-son RJ was the icing on the eff-ed up cake.  Peace out, Vee.  I will not miss you.

39. Pornstache

Horrible, pathetic loser whose life is completely ruined now, but he doesn’t seem to be aware of this fact.  I can’t forgive him for poor Tricia’s death last season.

38. Polly

Someone hook this woman up with lessons in Girl Code, STAT.  More flaming bags of poop for you, Polly.

37. Pete

Whatever.  Messed up that he bailed on Polly and fatherhood, but I’m super glad he got to punch Larry in the face. (#Jealous.)

36. Piper’s Dad

35. Piper’s Mom

These two are both horrible.  I have nothing further to add.

34. Larry’s Dad

I didn’t really dislike Larry’s dad (I actually thought Larry’s parents were kind of hilarious last season), but the scene between Larry and his dad in the gay bathhouse was awful and totally turned me against him.  Besides, he produced Larry.  That’s enough for me not to like him.

33. Wanda Bell (female prison guard dating O’Neill)

32. O’Neill

I don’t have strong feelings about either of these two.  Bell is kind of a moron, as is O’Neill, but at least O’Neill got to yell one of my favorite lines of the season: “Scatter the nuns!”

31. Daya’s Mother

I don’t know her name for some reason, but I’m not a big fan.  She’s suddenly all territorial over her daughter, but we know from Daya’s flashbacks that she was not a good mother.  Plus, I really like Gloria, and they two have had some conflicts, so I’m Team Gloria.

30. Luschek

I find Luschek oddly charming for some reason.  Even though he’s a pretty awful human being generally, I don’t hate him.  I think that’s because, as Friend of Christine, Katie, pointed out, he’s friendly with Nicky (about whom more later).

29. Caputo

Caputo is also not a great human being, but I don’t hate him either.  I believe that he generally does want to do the right thing for the women of Litchfield, even if he’s got some gross tendencies.  Unfortunately, his reign as assistant warden is off to a bit of a rocky start, so who knows what will happen to the advancing career of poor Joe Caputo.

28. Gina

I’ll be honest — I had to look up this inmate’s name because I couldn’t remember it.  She’s the one that’s always with Norma, the silent one, and the one who was accidentally burned by Red.  I have no strong opinion on her one way or the other, though I respect how much she cared about Nicky and whether or not she was being tempted by Vee’s heroin.  (You may sense a theme here related to one Nicky Nichols….)

27. Ruiz

Ah, another inmate whose name I had to look up.  Ruiz had a baby last season and spent much of season 2 having one-sided conversations with her boyfriend in the visiting room.  In their last interaction, though, he adorably showed her how much he’d been talking to the baby and being a good dad and it was really very cute.  For that reason alone, I like Ruiz ok.

26. Soso

A new season 2 character!  Soso arrived on the same day that Piper got back from Chicago.  She’s actually super annoying, but I grew to like her, and her genuine convictions, by the end of the season.  She really was a nice, peaceful person who wanted to effect meaningful change on Litchfield (via her hunger strike).  While I’m certain that I would have found her deeply irritating in real life, I ended up respecting her on the show.  Plus, she was responsible for possibly my favorite moment of the season — the power outage singalong.  A million points for trying to start it with “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks and even more points for actually succeeding with my own, personal karaoke jam, “Stay” by Lisa Loeb.

25. Leanne and Angie (aka the other meth heads aka “potato with eyes”)

Last season, I probably would have called these two the Pennsatucky-ettes.  This year, Leanne and Angie decided that life in Litchfield was easier without Pennsatucky, so they broke out on their own.  And, mostly, good for them.  They ate a bunch of nutmeg, which can apparently get you high (?), Angie got called a potato with eyes by Pennsatucky, which killed me, and they joined Soso’s hunger strike (though their demands were ridiculous and Angie licked a slice of pizza at one point…).  Anyway, we still don’t know too much about either of these two, but they came into their own this season a bit.  Looking forward to hearing more about them in season 3.

24. Flaca and Maritza

Once again, I had to look up the second inmate’s name because I couldn’t remember it.  Mostly, I think these two are funny, but they were incredibly horrible to Crazy Eyes the night of the Christmas pageant, which led to her kicking Piper’s butt, so I enjoyed it when the old ladies threatened them.  But they probably had the best exchange of the season when they discussed what love meant to them.  Flaca said that love is like being in a bathtub while The Smiths’ “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” is playing.  Maritza added the most important part — you also have a pizza.  If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

23. The new old ladies

Ok, yeah, I don’t know any of their names either.  But this is the group of old ladies who seem like totally harmless people until it turns out they’re completely badass!  I mean, one of them tries to kill Vee!  (And accidentally stabs the wrong person, leading to a great quote from Red: “It’s like, step one, pick the person to kill. Step two, kill that person.”)  And the scene where they threatened Flaca and her buddy in the kitchen was absolutely fantastic.

22. Bennett

21. Daya

I think Bennett is absolutely adorable and I like Daya, but I can’t say I really, really care about either of these two.  This storyline isn’t that interesting to me and I see no universe in which it works out.  (Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing for TV purposes.)

20. Cal (Piper’s brother)

I’m also including Cal’s wife, whom he married during their grandmother’s funeral, in this one.  Cal is hilarious and the only person in Piper’s family who isn’t the worst.  Plus, major props to Cal and Mrs. Cal for putting the flaming bag of poop on Polly’s porch.

19. Black Cindy

I think Black Cindy is really funny sometimes (loved her takedown of the “real criminals,” like big pharma during the job fair episode) and I’m glad we got her backstory this season.  I totally buy her as a TSA worker.  But she’s also pretty awful sometimes (can’t believe she went along with blaming Suzanne for beating up Red) and is a complete follower who seems pretty unwilling to stand up for anything most of the time.  I’m right in the middle on Black Cindy.  Hence, she’s near the middle of the rankings.

18. Big Boo

I feel similarly about Big Boo as I do about Black Cindy.  She is hilarious (her conversation with Pennsatucky about the homosexual agenda was one of my favorite moments of the season), but she’s completely willing to sell out anyone if she thinks it’s too her advantage (see: telling Vee about the greenhouse pipeline).  Either way, I want a Big Boo backstory next season!  I feel robbed!  Let’s make her the same person as her character from First Wives Club who dances with Elise Elliot in a gay club.  Please!

17. Janae Watson

I liked Watson last season, particularly her relationship with Yoga Jones.  I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because of that, even though she was totally mean to poor Yoga Jones this season.

16. Red

Meh.  I don’t love Red, but I don’t hate Red either.  As long as she’s cool with the characters I like and as long as Nicky loves her (there’s that theme again), then she’s fine with me.

15. Gloria

I really like Gloria.  She makes me laugh and I loved her helping Norma make a crazy potion to curse Vee or something.  Her backstory was super sad also.  Gloria is like the Vee/Red equivalent for the Latina women in prison.  She’s not as commanding or ruthless as Vee or Red, which is probably why I like her more than either of them.  Go Gloria.

14. Fischer

I LOVE Fischer.  She’s so sweet and nice!  Yeah, she’s a little naive (how did she not notice that Morello had taken a freaking bubble bath while she was in the hospital with Rosa??), but she’s got a great heart and she really wanted to be kind to the prisoners.  I was so mad at Caputo when he fired her, but as FoC, Katie, pointed out, she was too good for Litchfield anyway.  (Even still, I hope she’s back next season.)

13. Yoga Jones

Fun fact: Yoga Jones = Patty Mayonaise!  So that’s fantastic.  Yoga Jones is also just generally a sweet, peaceful person.  She joined Soso’s hunger strike because she hated the way the guards used SHU as an arbitrary punishment and then she got a little bit cranky from not eating, which was also great and totally realistic.  I could go for more Yoga Jones in season 3.

12. Pennsatucky

I know, this feels a bit high for Pennsatucky, right?  She was truly, hideously awful last season after all.  I mean, she almost killed Piper (until Piper thoroughly kicked her ass that is).  But this season?  This season she was 100% hilarious.  She got new teeth, she called Angie a potato with eyes, she deemed herself “facilitator” of Healy’s Safe Place group, and she hilariously joined the homosexual agenda with Big Boo, even going so far as to get a pixie cut (but not going so far as to actually engage in any girl-on-girl activity, as she informed Healy).  She’s still crazy, of course (see: slamming Leanne’s head into a washing machine), but she was mostly just a funny crazy this season.  Great job by Taryn Manning.

11. Sister Ingalls

My sister and I loved Sister’s backstory because (a) it totally reminded us of The Sound of Music (probably just because of the habits, but whatever) and (b) my sister loves hippies and peace and Sister was all about hippies and peace!  Honestly, I just thought her story was really interesting and relatable.  I’ve always said that I think one of the hardest lessons in religion is that you are supposed to do good things, but not seek praise or credit for them.  I think for human beings, that’s near impossible.  And so it was for Sister Ingalls, a nun who liked attention and praise.  That’s a really complex story, and I liked watching it.

10. Sophia

Sophia didn’t do much this season, but I continue to really enjoy her.  I was so glad to see her bonding with her son over a game of cards.  I also love her friendship with Sister from last season and she gave a hilariously informative lecture on female anatomy to the ladies (and O’Neill).

9. Rosa

Who knew how much I liked Rosa?!  Great backstory, great story with her chemo friend, and an amazingly fantastic ending.  Thanks to Morello, who Rosa called “fantastic” in a really touching moment, Rosa sped away from Litchfield and slammed into Vee with her car (because she was, as Rosa said, “very rude”).  It was great and I loved it.  I’ll miss you, Rosa.

8. Suzanne “Crazy Eyes”

Oh Suzanne.  She continues to be a fantastic character, but her arc was more complicated this season.  We saw again that Suzanne’s childhood was super difficult, despite the efforts of her sweet and supportive parents.  Crazy Eyes really is just a bit crazy and she fell under Vee’s spell quickly and easily.  By far the most troubling moment of the season was watching Suzanne kick the crap out of Poussey in the shower stalls.  It was awful and hard to watch.  But it’s hard to really blame Suzanne.  She was confused and she was swayed by someone who made her feel loved and valued.  It may be tough for her to rebound next season without Vee around.  Time will tell.

7. Morello

I have always liked Morello because she’s just an incredibly nice person.  And she remains an incredibly nice person to her fellow inmates.  But this season, we learned that Morello is a completely delusional, occasionally violent, insane person.  And it diminished my affection for her not at all.  Go figure!  But seriously though, Morello’s episode might have been the craziest one of the season.  The mounting insanity of her flashback (first, you’re like, oh, ok, Christopher was real and she did date him and then you’re like, omg, she only had coffee with him once and then she completely went off the rails) coupled with her decision to bail on the hospital and drive the prison van to Christopher’s house, then BREAK IN and TAKE A FREAKING BATH WEARING HIS FIANCEE’S WEDDING VEIL?!  I mean, it was insane.  Luckily, she got out of the house without him noticing and Fischer never realized she’d been gone.  It was so sad when Christopher showed up at Litchfield and reamed her out in front of everyone and then she broke down crying to Nicky … I mean really, that was awful. So yeah, despite her blatant craziness, I love Morello and I’m rooting for her (to be with Nicky … I totally ship them).

6. Taystee

Taystee had a complicated year, huh?  She was one of my favorite characters last season, and ultimately, she’s still one of my favorites, but she really went astray thanks to Vee.  The estrangement between Taystee and Poussey was really painful for me.  Her flashbacks were incredibly illuminating, though, as was her entire relationship with Vee.  It was so sad to watch someone so bright, so vibrant, and so smart, like Taystee, be unable to overcome the hand life dealt her.  All of these stories touch in some way on depressing aspects of reality, but Taystee’s really stuck with me, probably because it’s so clear how smart and talented she really is.  Anyway, once Vee ends up at Litchfield, it’s only a matter of time before Taystee once again falls under her spell.  Watching her be awful to Poussey and give heroin to Nicky, an openly admitted heroin addict, was really horrible.  Finally, though, by the end of the season, we got our old Taystee back.  And even before that, we did get to watch a delightful game of “Celebrity” featuring Taystee and Poussey on the same team and use of the phrase “the white Michelle Williams,” which absolutely slayed me.  I think we’ll have Taystee as her usual, utterly charming self from here on out.  There’s only one possible point of tension: Poussey is totally in love with her and Taystee … might or might not be interested?  Looking forward to seeing where that one goes.

5. Norma

Ok for real, who else loves Norma aka the silent member of Red’s kitchen posse?  Show of hands please.  Everyone?  Right.  Ok.  Obviously Norma’s greatest moment was last season, when she sang, in the most beautiful way, at the Christmas pageant, but she was killin’ it this season as well.  As we saw in flashbacks, she’s a longtime loyal friend of Red’s, but she sided with Gina when Red burned her.  That was badass and I dug it.  But thankfully, she makes up with Red in the cute family dinner in the greenhouse and is just generally adorable all the time.  Oh and also she tries to kill Vee, first with food or something, and then with a crazy witch potion.  Well done, Norma.  Well done.

4. Piper

This ranking is a strong reflection of just how far Piper has come in my estimation over the course of a season.  Truthfully, I wasn’t really crazy about Piper last season.  She was so horribly selfish (she still is pretty self-involved, it’s true) and she was just not as interesting as many of the other characters.  This year, Piper finally got some perspective.  It’s actually interesting to compare Larry and Piper in that respect — as discussed above, one of the worst things about Larry is how incredibly self obsessed he is.  Larry hasn’t changed at all, but Piper has.  (Yes, I grant you, Piper is in prison and Larry isn’t.  Fair enough.)  Prison has made Piper more hard, more cynical, and more badass. I also think Taylor Schilling was really very good this season; she wasn’t bad last season, but her portrayal of Piper really grew, I think.  My favorite episode of this season was the one where Piper gets furlough.  It was great to see her back in her “normal” life and to see just how she changed and didn’t exactly fit in anymore.  Contrast that with Litchfield, where Piper increasingly seemed at home and comfortable.  It’s kind of a weird thing — recognizing and sort of liking that the character fits in better in prison than she does in her old life — but it was very compelling to watch.  (Another reason why 40 Oz. to Furlough was my favorite episode?  The last scene: Piper passing over champagne for a 40 and then sitting on the street drinking it with NYC behind her.  Amazing sequence, amazing shot.)  Admittedly, Piper is still sort of a lousy person (see: trying to basically sell Soso to Big Boo in exchange for a blanket), but she’s improved in a lot of ways (see: going to check out Red’s store and then kindly lying to her by saying it’s doing really well).  And let’s be honest: I cannot WAIT to see new-and-improved Piper and Alex 2.0 next season.  Speaking of which…

3. Alex

Yes, I know, Alex was only in four episodes this season.  It was a damn shame, wasn’t it?  True, on an episode-to-episode level I didn’t miss Alex that much.  But man, when she was back, I was like, “Oh yeah, I love this character!”  She’s funny, she’s brutally honest to the point of being mean, she’s kinda sexy with those glasses and that bad guy vibe … she’s just all around great.  (Full disclosure: I have a longstanding girl crush on Laura Prepon, which is mainly because of her role as the great Donna Pinciotti on That 70s Show.  I realize that my impact my feelings about Alex.  Moving on.)  In case you hadn’t guessed, I’m a total Alex/Piper shipper.  I know why people are against them together — mainly because they can’t stop royally screwing each other over — but don’t they have great chemistry though?  Here’s where I will unnecessarily bring up Taylor Swift because, obviously: you know the song The Way I Loved You?  It’s about Taylor’s current boyfriend, who is nice and stable and patient and gets along with her parents and generally seems perfect except for the fact that he’s BORING.  Contrasted with her former flame, with whom her relationship is volatile and crazy and passionate (filled with screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain!).  Clearly, the preference is for the passionate relationship.  Some people don’t agree with this perspective — volatility and passion can be bad of course.  But I’m one of the people who sees the romance in it.  And that’s how I think about Alex and Piper (“so in love that I acted insane” = called your probation officer to get you thrown back in jail so you don’t murdered by a drug kingpin).  Anyway, we’ll see how this plays out with my girl LP in every episode of season 3.  I am counting down the days.

2. Poussey

If I had done this exercise after last season, Poussey would have been somewhere in the middle of the pack.  I thought she was cool and all, but she didn’t really stand out to me.  Well, now she does.  She’s the only African American inmate to resist Vee’s charms and to see her for what she is — a manipulative, psychopathic bully.  To her detriment, Poussey refuses to go along, to the point where Vee gets Suzanne to beat the crap out of her in the showers.  (This scene really, really broke my heart, truly.)  Speaking of heartbroken, that was Poussey pretty much all season.  She was alone, without friends and without Taystee, her #1 girl.  Yeah, she developed something of a prison hooch addiction, but Poussey was basically the ethical center of Litchfield the season.  She saw the difference between giving out cigarettes and dealing heroin and she especially noted how messed up it was to provide heroin to people like Nicky.  Her backstory was also incredibly sad and made you understand her character even more.  (Essentially, Poussey’s dad was in the army and she lived in Germany, had a serious girlfriend, got caught in bed with the girlfriend, and, as a result, the dad got transferred.  Poussey was going to try to shoot the GF’s dad, which obviously was a bad move, but luckily her dad stopped her.  All very sad and powerful stuff.)   Basically, I think Poussey is objectively the best person in Litchfield Prison.  I love her and I’m so glad that she’s finally been reunited with her bestie.  Happy days are here again.

1. Nicky

As you may have guessed, for me, Nicky Nichols is the best character in the OITNB universe by a wide margin.  I love her unconditionally and in an unqualified way.  Why?  Well, for starters, she’s played by the great Natasha Lyonne.  If you don’t already, I would suggest following Ms. Lyonne on all forms of social media and just generally being obsessed with her because that is the right thing to do.  Secondly, Nicky is freaking hilarious.  She, like Alex, is also brutally, painfully honest, but she’s even funnier than Vause.  She’s cutting, she’s self deprecating, she is totally unafraid to poke fun at the absurdity of life in Litchfield … in short, she’s the prisoner you’d most want to hang around with.  Nicky is also a great friend and is totally loyal (see her relationships with Red and Morello).  The scene where she gave Red the heroin had me on my feet clapping in joy.  Finally, Nicky is also a deeply flawed and wounded character, but she deals with her pain with humor and perspective.  It’s admirable, especially given the situation she’s in.  (Plus, no offense Big Boo, but Nicky totally wins that contest.)  Basically, Nichols is the greatest and, though I’m worried about her and the heroin in the vents, I have confidence that she’ll be ok in the end.

So that’s it my friends.  It’s bittersweet, isn’t it?  One weekend of bingeing, several hours/days of writing, and then almost a year of waiting for more episodes.  I encourage everyone to follow the OITNB cast on Twitter and especially Instagram — they’re super active and they’re always hanging out with each other.  It’ll make you feel like the show is totally real (except for the prison thing)!

‘Til next time, you’ve got tiiiiiiiiimeeeeee…

Xoxo,

Christine

“Is this cheese old?” PLL Rankings!

Greetings, Liars!  An excellent return to form for our favorite Rosewood denizens tonight, wouldn’t you say?  I mean, there was even a scene where all four Liars walked across a Rosewood street, Abbey Road-style.  And it was just as hilarious and amazing as it sounds.  So let’s get right into it!

(1) Mona 

I just want to start by saying that Mona’s badass makeup has been on point so far this season.  She also gets a showdown with Aria (captioned by ABC Family #AriaVsMona), which is just as laughable as you would imagine between these two characters.  (Mona: ” Tell me, how is Mr. Fitz doing?  Will he make a full recovery?”  Aria: Wide eyed, frozen, shocked face.  ZING.)  But really, Mona wins the episode for one reason.  This little speech, delivered to Alison, who has come to visit her own coffin, naturally: “The truth will bury you in a New York minute.  In case you’re wondering, that was me.  I sent that text.  I guess I should have signed my name because I don’t have to pretend to be anyone else anymore.  I don’t have to hide.  You do.  And you’re gonna wish you stayed dead.”  BOOM.

(2) Spencer

Spencer, per usual, is the one most concerned about the fact that Alison has yet again dragged them all into another insanely elaborate lie.  She notes astutely that it’s like they’re all now back on Planet Alison.  Of course, Emily tries to defend Ali (insert side-eye emoji here), and Spence deadpans, “Are you really going to stand here and defend Ali right now?”  Spencer also finds the bag in the DiLaurentis trash that indicates that Jason was in New York and she is the only one with the gumption to just straight up ask him if he was in New York and why.  There’s also a throwdown scene between Ali and Spencer over the absurd lie that Ali made up to “protect Aria” (again, insert side-eye emoji here) in which, obviously, I’m #TeamSpencer.  Finally, my girl gets a little bit of action this week, as boyfriend Toby returns from London and Spencer legit refuses to answer her phone so she can cuddle with him.  If only Toby would cut his hair … alas.  Anyway, yet another solid episode for Ms. Hastings.  Thank goodness she’s no longer a drug addict!

(3) Hanna

(4) Ashley M.

I’m ranking these two together because the Hanna/Ashley M. comedy hour just tickles me to no end.  Hanna: “Is this cheese old?”  Ashley M.: “It’s harvati.”  Hanna: “Does it melt?”  Ashley M.: “All cheese melts, Hanna.”  God, these two are the best.  In the same conversation, Ashley M. makes reference to the Manhattan Project; naturally Hanna is confused.  They also both look great and they have great mother/daughter chemistry and everything they do together just pleases me.  Points all around to the Marin women.  (P.S. I totally forgot that Ashley M. worked for Jessica DiLaurentis.  Anyone else?)

(5) Mike Montgomery

Ok, I’ll say it — is this even really the same guy who once threw a laptop at Ella Montgomery?  I mean really, he’s so much bigger and taller and more mature and, I’ll say it, more handsome now.  And so confident!  He flirts with Mona SO HARD and it works!  I mean, Mona is a cray lady, but she’s also badass, so good for him!  However, I do have questions here.  Mike later admits that he borrowed Aria’s iPod (more on this in a moment) and that, yeah, violin music might have been coming form his room, so what?  Is he just getting royally played by Mona (kind of like most other people in Rosewood)?  I mean, he is related to Aria, so he’s probably a bit of an idiot.  I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned.

(6) Toby

I would have ranked Toby above Mikey M. — after all, Toby was slightly more successful with his even-more-badass-than-Mona girlfriend — but I can’t because of his hair.  I know that the actor who plays Toby, Keegan Allen, was growing his hair out for locks of love, which is great and extremely commendable of him, but I can’t front like it doesn’t look totally ridiculous.  Nevertheless, to the extent that I am even remotely interested in shipping on PLL, I ship Spoby, so I was glad to see a return of the Tob-meister.  And, bonus points, he had useful information — he didn’t see Melissa in London as she claimed (surprise, surprise), but, rather, saw Wren (ugh), who  told him that Melissa was gone.  Hmmm.

(7) Emily

Emily.  What to say here.  I mean, on the one hand, she had a few good moments.  When Ali asked about her mother in the beginning of the episode, Emily correctly and bluntly notes that, in fact, Ali, “your mother buried you.”  Hah!  She also kind of talks Aria off of her manic ledge because, OH YEAH, Emily totally killed someone one time, so she can relate!  (I didn’t forget that Emily shot Maya’s “cousin” Nate in the lighthouse … but I also kind of did forget about it?  Is that weird?)  On the other hand, to quote girls everywhere, “I just can’t” with Emily vis-a-vis Alison.  She is just so STUPID about Ali all the time.  She embellishes Ali’s lie about the kidnapping (even though she later walks that back a bit in a conversation with Aria), she runs off to see Alison the moment she gets a chance, she walks Alison’s dog for some reason (?), and she’s super quick to tell Mr. D that she’d LOVE to have dinner at their house.  There’s just an air of pathetic desperation with respect to Emily and Alison that I can’t seem to look past.  Sorry, Em.

(8) Jason DiLaurentis

Mega creep alert!!  Everything Jason does in this episode is mad creepy, from staring at HIS FREAKING SISTER while she sleeps (EW), to sitting alone in his house in the dark seemingly waiting for his other sister to break in so he can have a creepo conversation with her (why??).  However, they’re giving us too much of the “Jason is super shady” vibe right now, right?  The entire episode is built around the Liars’ developing theory that Jason hit Ali with the rock, Mrs. D was covering for him, and that Jason and Mrs. D were basically A the entire time.  Naturally, that is not the case, and Jason looked genuinely shocked when they uncovered his mother’s buried alive body (!!) at the end of the episode.  Either way, Jason is going to be in bad shape when we next check in with him, I’d imagine.

(9) Alison

Mona > Alison.  For now.  We all know that Alison is a crazy manipulative sociopath, so I imagine she’s just plotting her comeback.  But for now, she’s super vulnerable.  She makes up a wild and inconsistent lie at the police station, involving a kidnapping and two-year hostage situation, she has to fake sleep while her creepo brother stares at her, and she spends at least a third of the episode skulking around in a very A-like hoodie and trying to suck up to Mona.  In that scene, Ali basically directly cites a Buffy episode, when she notes that going straight to hell was easy, but it’s coming back that’s hard.  But hey, on the plus side, she adopts a doggy.

(10) Fake Mariska Hargitay Mrs. Hastings

In yet another episode of Hastings Parenting 101, Fake Mariska indirectly blames Spencer for the fact that there is an actual dead girl in Alison’s grave.  I mean, she’s the best, isn’t she?  On the other hand, she gets two pretty decent lines.  First, in reference to Melissa, Fake Mariska notes that all she brought back with her from London was attitude (:::dramatic pause:::) … and secrets.  SO OMINOUS.  Later, when Toby says that Fake Mariska can call Wren to verify his story, she replies that she’d “rather stick a knife in the toaster.”  Me too, Fake Mariska, me too.

(11) Mr. DiLaurentis

Just edges out Fake Mariska for worst parent of the episode.  He openly thinks that Jason is a messed up, at least borderline psycho, who may or may not have kidnapped his sister.  (Of course, all of this might be entirely true.)  He also has a serious quivering lip issue, so that’s something.  This is, I believe, the first time we’ve ever seen Mr. DiLaurentis, so more to come here, I’m sure.

(12) Aria

Aria basically spends the episode in a manic state.  Which, ya know, I don’t really blame her for at all to be honest.  I mean, she did kill someone last week after all.  She has a dream montage about Shauna scored by violin music, and then wakes up to hear actual violins coming from somewhere outside.  I mean, that’s creepy as hell, but I have a question about this scene — why is Aria, plagued by thoughts of her recent murder episode, wearing a t-shirt that says “You’re No Good”?  Isn’t that just, like, pointing a big sign at the issue?  Later, she is inundated with violin tunes on her iPod, which is, like, a whole new level of A’s technological creepiness.  Anyway, Aria continues to lose her mind for the rest of the hour, again, not that I blame her, but overall, this is just not a good time for her.  Plus, she gets dominated by Mona in the aforementioned #AriaVsMona confrontation, leading her to again completely freak out.  Unclear how she’s going to pull out of this one.  But hey, bonus points for asking a very prescient question when she’s informed that the barking dog outside in fact belongs to Alison, “When did she have time to get a dog?”  When, indeed, Aria, when indeed.

Not Ranked: Holbrook (yeah, ok, he did pick apart Ali’s stupid story at the police station, but he’s just not interesting enough to get ranked); Wren (really, this dude is still following after a Hastings woman?  Pathetic.); Mrs. DiLaurentis (still dead, but at least she’s not buried in the backyard anymore?); Mrs. Fields (apparently in Dallas for some reason?  Can anyone explain this?); Pepe the dog (you seem cool, but I’m sorry that (a) you’re owned by Alison DiLaurentis and (b) that you found a dead body in the backyard).

What did you guys think of this episode?  Pretty much a return to PLL form, right?  I feel like the person lingering over these first two episodes, the person we haven’t yet seen, is Jenna.  I am anxiously awaiting her return.  Maybe next week, when Ali finally goes back to Rosewood High?

‘Til then!

Xoxo,

Christine